Hot Tub Bomb Machine
by Rockgod96
Summary: While traveling to Dustbowl, the Teufort Nine stop a hotel and discover the best hot tub ever. Hilarity ensues. One Shot. Rated T for inappropriate humor.


**Hello everyone! To all my followers who are reading this, I'd like to point a few things out real quick:**

 **I am not dead.**

 **I know I have been away for quite a long time, but I am not dead. Nor am I done writing fanfiction. To everyone reading this who isn't a follower, you're probably confused, so please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rockgod (obviously), I've been writing fanfiction for a long time. Actually, that's a lie. I've been on hiatus for quite a long time for all sorts of reasons. I've been working on a few Team Fortress 2 and Overwatch crossover fanfictions, one of which I haven't updated lately for various reasons.**

 **Speaking of which, I'd also like to point out – to everyone following that story – that I am not done writing it. This story is not meant to be a substitute for that one. It is merely an idea I came up with on the spot and I will get around to updating my other story in the near future.**

 **And yeah, this one is obviously not a TF2/OW crossover fanfic. Just a standard TF2 fanfic that I came up with a few days ago while at work.**

 **So, yeah. To those of you who are followers of me – and even those who are not – I hope you enjoy this fanfiction!**

 **Please leave reviews and tell me what you thought of this story, but no flames or hate, please.**

 **One last thing before I begin: I do not own Team Fortress 2. Valve does. I hope to eventually be able to do something with TF2 someday though.**

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It was a long drive from the farm lands of 2Fort to the large hot desert area of Dustbowl. Drives like these tended to get very tired and weary, but the nine mercenaries of the RED Team were used to it by now. They frequently moved around from one RED base to another. 2Fort was usually where they were based at, but they were frequently transferred to other bases for whatever reason. This time, the mercs were sure it was because the ones at Dustbowl were slacking off and not pulling their weight, which was causing RED to start to lose ground at that base.

"What a buncha slackas!" Scout shouted when he heard the news. "I could carry all their sorry asses and kick the BLU team's in my fuckin' sleep!" Everyone knew that Scout was overselling his abilities, but it was what they liked hearing from him. It annoyed them all at first, but they eventually got used to it. By now, hearing him boast like this really helped lift their own morale. They were the best at what they did, and they knew it. They were sure they could do a better job than all the Dustbowl mercs and wouldn't slack off at all.

That said, these nine were also a bunch of party animals. Whenever they weren't busy fighting, they would spend their free time socializing with one another. They would drink, smoke, gamble, eat enough food for a small army (which they technically were), and laugh about their enemy's flaws and sometimes even their own.

But now was not the time for slacking off. They were on their way to their next base and they had to get there by the next morning. It wasn't that far of a drive, but it in New Mexico, it was quite easy to get lost. Everything started to look the same after a while.

They drove to their base in almost single file. Sniper was driving his camper van, with Demoman riding shotgun. Scout was also in the camper, too. Sitting in the kitchen area, listening to some of his Tom Jones, Beatles, Kinks, and Creedence Clearwater Revival vinyl records on Sniper's record player. Of all of his fellow fighters, Scout seemed to get along best with Sniper. This was because Sniper seemed to see a lot of himself in the young speed runner. Maybe it was because that was who Sniper wished he was when he was the young boy's age.

Sniper's van was also towing a long black iron-coated trailer which was the Engineer's mobile workshop. Engineer built this himself as a way of working on projects whenever he was away from his base workshop. He had a workshop at almost every RED base. He still needed to get one installed at Badwater Basin, Snowycoast (a base they had up in Alaska, which Engie was firmly against), and another at a new base they just built in Brazil. Other than that, he had his own personal bases everyone, and also this mobile one, complete with all his necessary tools, blueprints, a few projects that he was working on (such as a Repair Node), a small TV and radio, a small refrigerator, a water cooler, and a custom-made, brand new digital clock.

Right in front of them was a red Jeep Wrangler, driven by Soldier. His future wife (and Heavy's sister) Zhanna was riding shotgun, while Pyro and Miss Pauling were sitting in the backseat. Soldier tried his best to get an actual US Army Jeep, but was not able to, so he settled for a civilian model. Of course, he got even more pissed off when he couldn't get one that was colored red, white and blue, so he settled for just plain red. He swore he would get it repainted to his liking if he ever was able to get it to an auto body shop, though. Zhanna, now considered an unofficial tenth member of the team, was allowed to fight and travel with the other mercenaries whenever asked, having proved her capability of fighting during their last battle with robots. She had never been to Dustbowl before and was looking forward to a change of scenery. She expected to hate it because of all the dust and the heat, but was just glad to finally get in on some action, having spent most of her life stuck in a cabin in freezing Siberia, eating nothing but bear meat. All things considered, this beat all of that.

Behind the two of them was an ambulance. This was Medic's. Like Engineer, he had a mobile setup, complete with a gurney, medical beam similar to the one used on his portable Medi Gun, a sink, and all the tools he would ever need. This served two purposes: To continue his experiments when on the road, and to help heal injured allies when they were down. Because he was so busy working all of this, Heavy was usually this van's driver. As such, Medic and Engie fixed a spot for Heavy to store his beloved minigun, Sasha.

And behind all of them was Spy, riding on a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. He was never one to put up with most of his team's rowdyness when traveling, leaving him to prefer to drive solo. He used to drive a Mercedes-Benz, but he soon decided that he needed something that would allow him travel just about anywhere in case of an ambush from enemies, so he could quickly zip behind them and take them out by surprise. This did come in handy, too. Since the BLU team had been waiting for them just a few miles back, and tried to ambush them, but the RED Team managed to evade this. Mostly by driving into the Teufort Square Mall during its' grand opening and causing them to crash there*.

Anyway, they were driving along, when suddenly:

"Aw cripe!"

"What the bloody 'ell just happened?!"

Smoke was coming from under the hood of Sniper's camp van. They knew that something was wrong, but they didn't know what. Quickly, Sniper pushed a button on his dashboard, and rang up Engineer. This was how the mercs communicated with each other through their cars. You can guess who built and installed these.

"Hey, cowboy!"

"Uh, yeah?"

"I got smoke comin' from my engine. You wouldn't have the slightest bloody clue what this is, do ya?"

"Ah, buddy. I think this mean your radiator's busted."

"Ah, piece o' piss!" Then he pushed another button.

"Hello, Sniper! What do you need to call me for?"

Ignoring him, Sniper said, "Hey, Miss Paulin'!"

"Uh, yeah, Mr. Mundy?"

"We gotta pull over somewhere. My radiator's dead and I'm afraid the engine's gonna explode."

"Oh, geez…." Miss Pauling groaned. It was quite late at night, and she was afraid that with this setback, they wouldn't be able to get to Dustbowl when the administrator wanted it. But on the other hand, she knew that car problems were serious and that they probably needed to get this looked at, otherwise this could lead to bigger problems. The problem right now though, wasn't so much that Sniper was having car problems. It was that she didn't know where they could go at this hour to get these problems addressed. She quickly had an idea, but wasn't sure if it would work.

"Soldier, ring up Dell."

"At your command, Miss!"

"All right. Dell. Ya think you can fix the problem with Mundy's van?"

"Ah…" He paused. Then the sounds of banging and clanging around were heard, then he responded. "Ah sorry, Miss. I left the parts needed for that back at 2Fort. I didn't think I'd be needin' them."

"Damn it!" Pauling cursed. Then they needed to find a service station, but didn't think it was possible. Nonetheless, she did see a road sign pointing to a hotel at the next exit, which said had a gas station. "OK, Soldier. Pull off at this exit. Maybe the gas station has a service spot as well. A lot of these do."

"I don't mean to defy an order, but will this delay our trip to Dustbowl?"

Pauling tried not to think about this, but tried to reassure herself that the Administrator would understand why they were doing this. But she'd probably also warn her of the severe punishments that would happen if they failed to show up to Dustbowl on time. "No, Soldier. It won't. Pull off here."

"Affirmative!"

"Good. Now ring up Misha and Spy." And she relayed the news to them, telling them to get off at the next exit.

Following the road signs, the team eventually found the gas station. Sure enough, it did have a service station equipped, complete with a big pile of tires next to the garage. It actually looked like they were still open at 8:30 PM. They pulled up to the station and their arrival seemed to grab the mechanic's attentions.

Sniper pulled his smoking camper van up to them, got out of the car, and told them what was wrong with the car and everything about it, but unfortunately, the mechanic said, "I'm sorry, buddy. We're closin' up. Hours are 8 AM to 8:30 PM Monday through Friday. Saturday until 6. We're closed Sunday."

"Damn!" Sniper said. "Bloody useless mongrels…"

"But hey, before we close our sheds, you can steer it into my garage, and we'll start workin' on it first thing in the mornin'."

Sniper sighed. They'd surely miss their deadline at Dustbowl now. He told this to Miss Pauling, who sighed. Then she remembered, "Actually, I found out that Dustbowl isn't too far from here. We could probably walk the rest of the way if we had to. And if what these men say is true, we probably will have to."

"OK then." He turned back to the mechanics, and said to them, "All right. I'll drive it in."

"Excellent!"

As Sniper was backing his van (and Engineer's workshop) into the garage, Soldier noticed a car in there that looked like it was getting repainted. He got out of his car and said, "Hello there! You seem to have a couple of painters!"

"Yes we do. They went home early today, though."

"Say, do you think you could give my car a paint job that symbolizes that proud, strong, patriotic American?" He shouted triumphantly.

"You mean, give you a red, white and blue paint job?" The mechanic asked.

"Exactly!"

"Stars and stripes and eagles and fireworks and everything?"

"Affirmative! You are speaking my language, son! You are a true American in the eyes of this soldier!"

"OK, cool man. Just move it in here and my boys will get started tomorrow."

"10-4, Private! You are a good man, son!"

Once their cars were backed in, the mercs gathered and started talking about what they were going to do now.

"Well, should we take it on foot from here?" Sniper asked.

"Screw dat!" Scout shouted. "I'm tired! I spent half this day runnin' 'round, cappin' people's asses, and I spent the other half drivin' 'round, chasin' guys, cappin' more asses, I'm tired! I need a rest! I say we stay at this hotel tonight!"

"Hmm. I agree with little baby man," Heavy added. "It is not good for us to be drowsy on battlefield."

"As much as I hate to agree with my imbecile of a son, I think he is right. Besides, it is too easy for us to get lost at this time of night. We need to stay here tonight and recharge our proverbial batteries, if you know what I mean," Spy said, sounding like he didn't understand American slang, even though he did.

"Aye," Demoman chimed in. "I need a drink, too."

"Same here, buddy." Engineer added.

"Count me in on that drink as well," Sniper said.

"Zhanna and I have some very important business to attend to anyway, and this hotel is perfect for that!" Soldier shouted, ignoring Heavy's disgusted face at the idea of one of his teammates screwing his sister, even though he knew that they had done it before.

"Zhey are right, sleep is very important. Although ve could also eat, drink, play some games…"

Pyro just mumbled, but in a way that hinted that he (or she) was siding with his (or her) teammates.

Pauling was pretty worried by now. She knew she would have to phone the administrator to tell her about the delay, and was very worried at what she would say to her. Pauling knew it would be worthless to say that it wasn't her fault, even though it truly wasn't. But knowing that the alternative probably would have also led to punishments, Pauling decided to just come right out and tell her the whole truth, thinking that it was the best option and the only one which would save her from something so harsh that it was unthinkable. She knew that the administrator was capable of doing just that.

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes as tightly as she could, opened them, and said, "All right, fine. Let's get some rooms and spend the night here. But we need to be on the road first thing tomorrow. We should even be prepared to walk the rest of the way to Dustbowl if we have to. And if those cars aren't finished in time…" She paused, taking another deep breath and saying a no-nonsense voice, " _We will_."

The mercs weren't intimidated by this, but they did know that she was serious when she said it, and they had enough respect for her that they wouldn't dare talk back or refuse an order from her, especially Scout, who loved Miss Pauling so much, that she found it very annoying, yet still somewhat flattering. Although Miss Pauling didn't return Scout's feelings of love, she did feel flattered that he paid as much attention to her as he did and as much as she expressed annoyance at his antics, she never wanted him to stop doing them.

The mercs then turned around and took a look at the hotel they were staying at.

They actually didn't realize just what the surroundings were like until now. The hotel was kept behind a big wall of trees and bushes which were so thick that they seemed to hide the hotel from the world outside. In a way, it kind of felt like Disneyland. It had a wide open grassy field with plants and flowers lining the area, a stark departure from the hot dry desert that was New Mexico.

The hotel itself was very old, having been built in 1922, it had a very distinct look and feel from the more modern buildings that were all over the state and especially the bases that RED and BLU had.

"Well boys, welcome to our home for tonight," Engineer said somewhat grimly.

"Man, I wouldn't be surprised if this place was haunted," Scout said. There was just something about this place that gave him a very eerie feeling…

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"But I'm honest! Why would I lie to you about this? We need to do this if we want to get back on the road!"

Miss Pauling was now on the phone with the Administrator, quickly getting on the defensive about the situation that she and the other mercenaries were now in.

"Maybe this wouldn't have happened if your crew had taken five minutes to check your engine _before_ you left the base at 2Fort!"

"But I told you, we did! We were ambushed by BLU on our way over there! They were probably the ones who made Mundy drive too fast! If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't even be here! We'd almost be at Dustbowl by now!"

The Administrator sighed. "I should believe you, Miss Pauling, but I do not want to. In our line of work, timing is everything, and if one thing goes wrong, that can lead to severe consequences for everyone involved! This includes you AND me! Loss of job would be the least of our concerns, as I have stressed to you many, _many_ times before!"

"Yes I know," Miss Pauling was clearly panicking now. "We're doing everything we can to fix this, and we're almost there anyway! We can take it by foot if we have to!"

There was a long pause. Finally, the Administrator spoke up again.

"When is this service station open tomorrow?"

"8 PM, ma'am."

Another pause. Then a long, heavy sigh.

"You owe me one for this, Miss Pauling. I think I can negotiate a deal to hold Dustbowl over until your situation is resolved."

"You can?" Miss Pauling was now very relieved. "Thank you, ma'am. I promise I will not make you regret this!"

"I'm sure you won't," The Administrator said, in a voice that contained a mixture of sarcasm and genuine sincerity. "But I want you and your crew back on the road first thing in the morning. Do you hear me? _First. Thing. In the morning_ ," she finished, clearly emphasizing that last sentence.

"I will, ma'am. I promised I will not let you down."

"Good. Because as you know, failure will not be tolerated. Now, get a good night's rest, Miss Pauling. You will need it." And with that, the Administrator hung up.

Miss Pauling was relieved. The Administrator wasn't quite as hard on her as she expected, but she still made it very clear what would happen if she and her associates failed to do their job. But after a few deep breaths, she started to tell herself, "I just need to get them all in bed before midnight. Then it'll all be fine."

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The hotel itself wasn't too bad. Of course, the staff at the front desk were as insane as most of the people living in Teufort were, but that was to be expected. And it wasn't just them. The staff in charge of housekeeping were like this, too. When they met the mercenaries, they joked about people having been killed there and their ghosts were now haunting the building. The cooks spoke of recipes being based on cannibalism, and the waiters delivering their meaty dinners and saying, "Try not to think about where it came from.^"

One of the weirdest stories came from one of the hotel's many small bars. Engineer and Demoman went down there to play some poker with a couple of bikers, and they noticed the bartender having a certificate behind the bar that said:

STATE OF RHODE ISLAND LIQUOR LICENSE

This official certificate states that

KAPLAN, JEFFERSON

Is qualified to serve alcohol in the state of Rhode Island and must hereby under any circumstances be granted permission by anyone in their right mind to serve alcohol in any public association

Expiration date: January 1966

It was easy to write this off as just general laziness, but the two mercenaries suspected something very weird behind this.

But even with all this, the mercenaries thoroughly enjoyed themselves. The food was excellent, the drinks were pretty good, and even with the ghost stories, the beds looked like they were very comfortable for sleeping in. As psychotic as some of their staff appeared to be, they seemed to really like having guests spend the night and truly wanted to do everything they could to make their stay a pleasant one.

It was now about ten o'clock PM. Despite the late hour, the mercs didn't really want to go to bed just yet. Most of them got their rest in the cars earlier that day, and those that were driving drank plenty of coffee to stay awake. There just had to be something else on this hotel that was fun. They checked out all the bars, they arrived too late to catch the movie playing in the upstairs theater which was now ending. It wasn't even a very good one: _Blood Waters of Dr. Z_.1 That movie looked like garbage.

Engineer decided to take a walk out in the back of the hotel, where guests were allowed to walk, unusual for any hotel. It did look like a nice place. There was a small garden near the restaurant's kitchen, and another nice foliage of plants, flowers, and vines along the back of the hotel.

But beneath those thick vines, some light was shining. It didn't look like the harsh white sunlight that the mercenaries were used to seeing, which constantly beat down upon them during the middle of a long day of fighting and killing. This was golden-yellow. Engineer fought through the vines, and upon getting through them, he laid eyes on what was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen:

A large, pristine pool lit up by the bright yellow lights underneath, with jet streams creating bubbles and steam rising up. And it was all kept tucked behind the vines and-

"OW!"

Metal bars that were also surrounding the pool, which Engineer failed to see.

Rubbing his sore spot, Engineer climbed over the fence, and gazed at the pool in all of its' glory.

It soon became clear to Engineer that this was no ordinary pool. He could feel the hot temperature radiating off of it, and that, combined with the jet streams, made it clear that this was a pool meant for soaking and relaxing. For cooling off and easing stress after a long day of work. It was perfect for the average worker. Perfect for the casual person with tense and tight shoulders.

Perfect for a group of mercenaries who every day wore themselves out with killing other people. Quickly, Engineer climbed out back over the fence and ran away.

Minutes later, he returned, bringing the rest of the team with him as well.

Their reactions to seeing this glorious tub of water were just the same as Engineer's: Amazement, shock, and very quickly, longing.

"Engineer?" Heavy asked.

"Yes, sergeant?"

"Would you be thinking what I am thinking?"

"I believe I am, buddy." Engineer said with a grin.

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"Vell, mein freund?" Medic asked, hastily kicking his boots off and practically tearing his lab coat and vest off his body. "How does it feel?"

Soldier, also quickly removing his belt from its' home on his pants asked, "Is this really what you say it is?" with a great amount of anticipation.

" _Ahhhhhhhhh_ , fellas," Engie sighed in relaxation while closing his eyes. He was sitting in the hot water already. "Ya gotta get in here. This thing is gonna fuckin' change ya."

"Aye, and we have to be naked for this as well?" His Scottish colleague asked.

" _Yeeeeeeeep_. Any clothes on, and you ain't gettin' the full experience. God, that feels better than any massage I've ever had." He was lying up against one of the jet streams and it was giving his back a deep and much-needed soothing.

"Now that is what I want to see!" Soldier shouted enthusiastically.

"I cannot wait to experience hot tub power!" Zhanna shouted, throwing her underwear into a nearby bush. Now she was focusing on removing the only piece of clothing she still had on her body: Her frilly pink bra. Soldier was still working on pulling his shirt off his massive frame while simultaneously kicking his underwear off his legs. Zhanna beat him to full nudity by just a few seconds. The two of them slid into the water, sighing in comfort as their naked bodies were fully submerged.

" _Ahhhhhhhhh_ ," Soldier sighed. "Much better."

"I agree. This feels so good," his fiancée said.

Medic was next to jump in. "Mein freund, you are a genius!" He said, coming back up for a breath of air. "Zhis is one of ze best forms of comfort ever! If only I could build one of zhese in _mein Lieferwagen_ it vould be all I vould ever need!"

"Kaboom!" And a naked Demoman cannonballed into the pool. "Ach, lad. We need one o' these in all our bases! It's jus' wha a poor lad needs to ease his achin' bones!"

"Ah, that's why I have eleven , Tav. Because I know all the little secrets and hacks of life," Engineer proudly stated.

Spy then emerged from the shadows. " _Ahem_." He made his presence clear.

"Hey, Spah! Come in here and join us!" Engie shouted.

"Have you all lost your minds?" Spy shouted, realizing that was the wrong question to ask with these people. "You are skinny dipping in a public bath! Nobody wants to feel your genital sweat oozing on them as they are trying to relax!"

" _Genital sweat_? Well, that's one I ain't heard before."

"Aye, where does he come up with tha' stuff, I wonder?"

"Spy, as your commander officer, I command you to man up and join us in this pool!"

" _Ja_. I do not even know why you are resisting. Zhis pool feels so relaxing. Is it bathing with a group of naked men and vomen zhat bothers you? It is nozhing you haven't seen in our showers before!"

"Yeah, come in, buddy! You've seen all of us naked in the shower before! Surely you'll be fine in a pool like this."

Spy had to admit: The pool did look so inviting. And he was under as much stress as everyone else. Maybe they were right. Maybe this was what he needed.

"Fine," he said bluntly, dropping his pants in front of everyone, only for them to see a pair of tightly knit swimming trunks covering his nether regions. "But I am wearing these when I am around the rest of you," he added, removing his coat, shirt, tie, and even his mask.

"You're gonna be wearin' _those_ in here? Spah, you're jus' gonna look silly. Everyone here is naked."

Right as he finished saying that, another loud splash came from the pool. Emerging from the water was the Pyro, still in all of his (or her) flame-resistant gear, even though in the water, there was now no danger of it at all.

Engineer sighed, flustered at being proven wrong. He knew Pyro wasn't going to take all that heavy gear off. "Fine, you can keep your stupid trunks on," he told Spy.

"Thank you, laborer." He finished removing the last of his suit, when he felt an elbow on his back. Then he felt his face hitting the water.

As he emerged from the water, completely taken off-guard by the encounter, he heard a huge round of laughter from everyone in the pool, and one particular voice that wasn't in the pool at the time.

Standing right where he fell, Scout was standing – in only his underwear – laughing at his father's face flop into the pool.

"Ha ha ha! Haaa ha haaaaaa! Oh man, you sank like a fuckin' rock!" He shouted.

Spy was clearly not amused by this, but simply said, "Yes. Very well. Get in here, son."

"Ok, _dad_ ," with a clear hint of sarcasm in his voice.

Maybe it was because he never felt like a dad to him, but for whatever reason, Scout was de-sensitized about being naked in front of Spy. This was why he quickly pulled his underwear off, threw it into the bushes and jumped into the pool.

"Ah man, dis water feels awesome! I wish my ma had somethin' like dis in our backyard!"

"Hey buckaroo, ring me up sometime and I'll see what I can do," Engie told him.

"Sure thing, hard hat!"

Scout swam up to a jet, and relaxed against it. He always dreamed that one day Miss Pauling would give him a back massage, but this was pretty great as well.

" _Ahhhhhhhh_ …..hell yeah!" He said.

Just then, Spy waded to him and dunked his head in the pool. Once again, a huge round of laughter rang out from everybody in the water. Even Spy chuckled at this.

When he allowed Scout to come back up for air, Scout shouted, "Hey…*cough* *cough* What da hell was *cough* dat for? *cough*"

"Call it payback, son."

Scout decided to do the same to Spy, but decided against it.

Just then, the pool was covered by a large hulking shadow. It looked very intimidating, but everyone knew whose shadow it was. Actually, it was intimidating _because_ they knew whose shadow it was. They looked over to see a naked Heavy backing up and doing a cannonball into the pool.

Everybody saw this with a look on their faces that said, " _Oh shit!_ " Then Heavy hit the water, sending it up in a giant wave, which buried everyone. Scout tried to ride this wave, but he quickly went under as well.

When everyone emerged, there was lots of coughing and gasping for air, including from Heavy, who emerged from the water, clearly unimpressed by his surroundings. "Hotel staff put too much water in little pool. This is why I do not swim in public."

Everyone groaned. Everyone except for one certain Australian, who was laughing at the whole thing.

"Ha ha ha ha! That's why I waited. I knew he was going to drown all you wankers, so I waited until he jumped in before I did," Sniper said confidently. He really was as confident as he sounded. He stood totally nude in front of everybody, but it wasn't his penis that he didn't want to show to everyone else. It was the long and painful-looking stitched-up scar that ran alongside his chest. It provided some pretty bad memories of the previous mission that they went on. Instead of jumping, Sniper rather gracefully stepped into the water, relaxing right next to Scout and Spy.

"Well, now it looks like the whole team's here," Engineer proudly said.

"Yep," Sniper agreed. "I even went ahead and ordered us some drinks."

"Ah buddy, you're the best."

"Did ya get me bottle o' scrumeh?"

"Yep."

"And my bottle of American Bud Light?"

"Just for you, Solly."

"And I am afraid to ask this of you, but did you also get my glass of 1929 Bordeaux Red?"

"No," Sniper said. Spy looked a little dismayed, but then he added, "I got you a _bottle_ of 1929 Bordeaux Red."

Spy smiled at that. "Bushman, even you have your occasional moment of brightness."

"I'll ignore that," he said, clearly not wanting to be insulted like that. Then he tapped Scout's shoulder. "Hey Scout?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Ever tried Blue Moon?"2

"Uh, no?"

"Son, you cannot call yourself a man until you have tried a fine glass of Belgium's finest beer," Spy said to him.

"He's right. Glass of that, and a couple of orange slices, and that will make your tiny little balls drop faster than the Times Square Ball on New Year's Eve."

Scout blushed at that. "I DO NOT HAVE TINY BALLS!"

"Then why don't you stand up and show us, wanker?" Sniper said while grinning.

"I…you…you…fucking…FUCK YOU!" He shouted, sinking into the water below. Spy and Sniper laughed.

Scout then climbed out of the pool, with his back turned on them (he actually did this thinking that he was mooning the two of them) and said, "Alright, well, I guess ya won't need this no more!" He shouted gleefully, gathering up Spy and Sniper's clothes.

"Aw come on, ya scallion!" Sniper shouted, afraid of what he might do. "I was just joking! Don't do this!"

"Son, Bushman is very sorry. Now please stop this madness and get back into the pool!"

"See," Scout said, grinning. "That's all ya had to say!" Then he threw their clothes over the fence. Of course, neither of them minded. Then he climbed back in.

"So, anyway," Spy asked Sniper. "What did you get?"

"Oh, just a Long Island Iced Tea."

Spy was a bit surprised to hear this. "You? A Long Island Iced Tea? Huh. I never would have guessed that."

"Yeah, I had it once. I liked it. I want more."

"Good a reason as any," Spy said, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up.

"You got any more of those, Frenchie?" Sniper asked.

Spy nodded, handing one over to him.

"Hey," Scout shouted. "Can I have one of those, too?"

"Sure ya can," Sniper said, about to hand his cigarette over to Scout, until Spy smacked his son's hand away.

"No!" He shouted. "Not him! He cannot smoke! Of all of us, Scout needs his lungs the most. He cannot be smoking our refuse!"

"What? Aw, come on dad! I'm over eighteen! I'm old enough now!"

"Da. Your father is right," Heavy said, swimming over to them. "Little baby man needs to run and he needs his lungs in good shape for it. You cannot smoke."

"What…I….Oh, fine! It's probably nothin' but a dirty, smelly habit anyway!" Scout sank back in, crossing his arms.

"Yes, son. It is a dirty habit. One that I never should have done but I am now in too deep to get out of it. I do not want you or any of your brothers to follow my footsteps. And as long as I have that power, I will use it."

Sniper tried to cheer up the depressed Scout. "Cheer up, son. Once your Blue Moon comes, you will forget all about this."

Scout did feel better. Knowing that they weren't stopping him from doing _all_ adult activities made him feel good about things again.

"Come on, fellas. Quit gettin' us all riled up. We came in here to relax. To take our minds off everything else. We don't need any of y'all stressin' us out again!"

"Yeah, he's right. OK dad, I'm sorry about all dat." He offered his hand to Spy.

"Same here," Spy agreed, shaking it.

For the next half hour, the group just sat in the pool, relaxing, unwinding, and relieving themselves of their stress. They talked about just about anything from their work to their interests to current events going on in the world at that year: Nixon, Vietnam, John Lennon's immigration struggles, and even the new _M*A*S*H_ TV show that started airing just a few nights ago.

"So what did ya think of it?" Engie asked.

"It's a patriotic show about patriotic American surgeons healing up our wounded boys on the front line! That's all I need to know about!" Soldier proudly exclaimed.

The group agreed. The show, about a group of American surgeons fighting to keep their sanity intact while the horrors of the Korean War echoed all around them, in some ways reminded them of themselves and their struggles to keep their minds while dealing with their very mercenary job of killing people and the amount of stress that came with it.

They made jokes about that year's upcoming presidential elections as well.

"Well, ya think Nixon's comin' back?" Engie said.

"Ah, who gives a crap?" Scout said. "It's just like Da Who said, 'Meet da new boss, same as da old boss.' Even if dat cocksucker's gone, we're gettin' another one like 'im." That was met with uproarious laughter from everyone in the pool.

"You should be grateful you have political system like this," Heavy ominously warned Scout. "Where I come from, it makes Washington seem like sane place." Zhanna agreed with him.

"Big Brother is right, young child. You would not want to live back home in Russia. Government killed our father."

"Aye, I thought we were gonna stop the downers and relax!" Demoman shouted.

"Da. Demoman is right. Let us relax."

"But let this be a reminder that my fiancée and brother-in-law are true Americans! They may have been born in the shithole that is communism, but since they hate it, they are true Americans just like us!"

More time passed. After this time, conversations were much more light-hearted. Now dropping the political nonsense, they went back to laughing about their jobs. Soldier would go for a long time boasting about his collection of severed heads, Sniper would brag about his record of no-scoped headshots, and Engineer would talk about the best sentry guns he ever built and the latest and greatest inventions to come from the mind that was his own.

Right as soon as he was finishing up on that, however, everyone turned around to hear the sound of a very frustrated voice.

" _HAVE YOU ALL LOST YOUR FUCKING MINDS!?_ "

It was Miss Pauling, and she was not impressed by the sight that lay out in front of her. She took a good look around, not at the people in the pool, but at all the lifeless clothes that were just tossed into the vines and bushes that surrounded the pool. And these weren't just shirts and pants, but underwear as well. Zhanna's bra hung dangling from a branch. It didn't take long for Miss Pauling to put two and two together.

" _Are you all serious?! Are you all naked?!_ "

"Miss Paulin'," Engie said. "If yer wearin' anything in a hot tub that ain't yer birthday suit, ya got a lot to learn."

Miss Pauling gasped. "Ignoring the fact that you should all be in bed right now, _do you really have so little sanity that you're going to skinny dip_ _ **in a public pool**_ _and not give a flying_ _ **fuck**_ _about_ _ **what people would think of they saw this?!**_ "

Sniper just laughed. "Lady, what we're doing right now, it's called male bonding. Haven't you seen _Easy Rider_?"

" _By sitting naked in a hot tub?! That's what you call 'male bonding'?_ "

"Ach, it's either this or sittin' 'round a campfire tellin' ghost stories naked!" Demoman added with a big laugh.

Right at that moment, the waitress showed up to the pool, carrying their drinks. She announced her presence, but stopped frozen when she saw the naked Sniper walking over to her.

"Ah, brilliant! Yer just in time!" He picked up his wallet that was lying on the ground, pulled some money out and handed it to her. Then he yanked the entire tray of drinks from her. All the while, she stood mortified, making only slight movements and nodding or shaking her head to the occasional question that was asked to her.

"Oh, and uh, could you bring another bottle of red wine out here for our friend in the pink shirt? Thanks, mate." Then the waitress quickly hurried off.

Sniper took the honor of distributing the drinks around to everybody. Scout took a sip from his glass of Blue Moon.

"Woooo! Man, dat is some sick shit right there!"

"See?" Sniper grinned at him. "I told you that stuff will make a real man outta ya."

"Hey, Mish," Scout said, referring to Heavy. "Ever had dis stuff? It's great!"

"Da. Blue Moon is nice. But I prefer my Scotchka." He was referring to his drink, which was a mixture of Scotch and Vodka.

"Aye. I wouldnae give up me Scotchka for the world, either!"

Meanwhile, Miss Pauling was still standing by the pool. Her jaw was almost touching the ground at that point.

"I…I…" she paused and sighed. "I must be the one who's going crazy now. _You guys are professionals!_ Weren't _you_ ," she pointed at Sniper, "the one who said that professionals have standards?"

"I am, but that doesn't mean that professionals can't let their hair down every once in a while," Sniper said smugly. He knew that Pauling was trying to use his own catchphrase against him, but he was not going to give her the satisfaction.

"Come on, Miss Paulin'," Scout shouted, splashing some water at her. "Why don't ya jump in here and join us?"

Everyone in the pool shouted in agreement.

"What? But…No way! I'm doing this! You are all naked and even if I wanted to do this, what would the Administrator say if she caught me or…or _us_ like this?!"

"Oh, so you're afraid o' that crabby old bitch, aren't ya?" Scout said, taunting her.

"She is not a bitch!" She shouted back, although she didn't really believe it, given that she had just got off the phone with a very angry administrator, chewing her out for something that wasn't even her fault. As much as she didn't want to admit it, the Administrator actually did feel very bitchy at times.

Suddenly she felt her entire body tensing up. The mercs kept saying that they were skinny dipping here to relax and take their minds off of their ongoing struggles. Maybe, Miss Pauling decided, that was what she needed.

Besides, the water did look so inviting. Its' streams were pumping water everyone and the pool was even lit up from underneath. This really was a place meant to sit and relax in.

Finally, she decided, "You know what? Fuck it. I'm jumping in."

Cheers erupted from every corner. But as Miss Pauling began to strip herself, she added, "But I'm leaving my underwear on! And if anybody lays a hand on me, I _will_ tell her about it!" This met with a bunch of " _yeah yeah yeah_ "s and " _whatever_ "s. When she was down to only her bra and panties, she jumped in, to a round of uproarious applause. Miss Pauling waded over to Pyro, who was now playing with a rubber duck and a toy sailboat. She felt that of everyone in the pool, he (or she) would be the one who would give the least amount of crap about, well, _anything_.

She wanted to avoid Scout at all costs, because she just _knew_ he was going to try to make some stupid move on her, especially since he was naked and she was almost.

But to her surprise, Scout was actually avoiding her. It didn't seem like he was doing it on purpose, it seemed like he was preoccupied with talking about whatever nonsense he was always spewing out with some of the other guys. Right now, he was talking about some amazing moves he pulled in a few of his fights with Soldier, Zhanna, and Sniper. Occasionally Spy would also join in on their conversations, he seemed to enjoy it too. He seemed to enjoy just being here in general. He clearly had loosened up since the start of their little party. The only time Miss Pauling ever heard Scout say her name was when they were talking about their little misadventure with Soldier's giant bread monster, which happened a few years ago.

For some reason, Scout's lack of attention to Miss Pauling seemed to annoy her. Scout was always a very confusing case for her. He annoyed her, yet she didn't want it to stop. He wasted her time, but she enjoyed having her time wasted. She hated him, yet she also seemed to like him. She could only guess that it was because of his undying devotion towards her, even after she came out to him and said she liked girls. Even then, he didn't stop. But deep down, she knew that he wasn't just a horny man looking for sex, he really seemed to care about her. He made it clear how worried he was when he thought he'd never see her again3. _Why him? Why does he make me feel this way? Every other man I've ever known was so much simpler than this,_ she thought.

Then the waitress came back, still shook up from the sights, and delivered Miss Pauling's bottle of wine. She accepted it, poured herself some in a glass provided for her (Pyro was pouring a glass for his [or her] usage as well), and drank it. _Damn_ , she thought. _This wine tastes very good. What's in it? Ah, I don't care. But I'm buying a crate of this on my way out._

Suddenly it clicked. Now she got why she liked Scout as much as he did: He had a strong personality, but would always give her space. He never made any unwanted advances on her. He was what a nice guy should be like.

She made up her mind. She quietly slid her black bra and panties off and threw them over the fence. Then she waded over to Scout and say next to him.

"Whoa, hey, Miss P! You're, um…" Scout wasn't used to Miss Pauling getting this close to him. What's more is that it didn't take for him to realize that right now, she wasn't wearing anything.

"I'm loosening up a bit. Dell, you really were right. This is a very good idea, us just chilling out here for a bit in between missions."

"Yep. When I first saw this, I knew it was a mighty fine idea. I think I should install us one o' these at every one o' our bases. What do y'all fellas think?" Everyone shouted in agreement at Dell's suggestion.

"Well, it's settled. When we get to Dustbowl tomorrow, that'll be the first thing I do."

Dustbowl. That word rang in Miss Pauling's ears so much she felt it was echoing. It was now 11 PM and they still showed no signs of slowing this party down. Tensing up again, she took Scout's beer out of his hand and drank some of it. She felt much better after that.

"OK, it's just another mission. We'll be fine if we're a little late. She doesn't hold too much of a grudge against just a few minutes' tardiness. Scout, grab my wine glass, please."

"Um, OK…" Scout said nervously.

Scout was shocked to see her like this. He didn't know what to do in this case. He was afraid that one wrong move would send him straight to hell. IE, the Administrator's office.

Nonetheless, the party continued. No one could say for say when it stopped, it just sort of did…

Sometime deep into the night…

When everybody was too buzzed to remember anything…

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The sounds of birds chirping rang loudly in Engineer's ears. He gently lifted his eyes open. He sat up, groaning. This must be the hangover phase, he thought. It actually wasn't quite that bad. Not as much as he thought it was going to be, but his head still hurt like hell. He had been through this before, so he knew that it was nothing that a small cup of coffee couldn't help him recover from.

That's when I noticed that he was naked and sitting in water. He knew where he was, but before he wasn't sure whether that was real or just a dream that he had. Clearly, it was the former.

He looked around. All his colleagues where in the pool as well. They were all still asleep. But no one was underwater, so he didn't have to worry about anyone drowning. Then Dell realized he still had a towel on his head. It wasn't a very big one. It was only a small hand towel. And it was one of his own.

He climbed out of the pool, grabbed a larger towel and began to dry himself off. Once he was dry, he threw the towel over at Sniper. This woke him up.

"Uggggghhhh, crikey. What time is it? What happened last night?"

Dell clapped his hands. "All right, everybody. Time to get out. We got work to do." This woke everyone else up.

There were lots of moans and groans as everyone else struggled to climb out of the pool and get back on their feet.

"Aye, tha' was a bloody good time. Let's do tha' again!"

"Oh, we will, Tavish. Maybe even tonight."

Miss Pauling was helping Scout out of the pool. She felt a little jaded. Not at the fact that both she and Scout were naked, but of the fact that she didn't seem to mind. She wasn't aroused from seeing his exposed groin, but she didn't feel uncomfortable seeing it, either. She felt she went a little too far with him last night, but was ninety-eight percent certain that she did not have sex with him, which made her feel better. They didn't say anything to each other, but their body language hinted at a strong " _let us never speak of this again_ " message, which both were fine with.

Everybody was chattering about various things as they climbed out of the pool, dried themselves off, grabbed their clothes (which were strewn all around the bushes), and dressed themselves again.

"Well, back to our daily grind," Engineer said. "We've had our fun, now it's time to resume our usual business."

"He's right, men. Back to the front!"

"Well, couldn't we at least get some breakfast first?" Scout asked

Miss Pauling check her watch. The time was 8:47 AM. That meant that the service station should be just about finished with the cars by now.

"Yes, go ahead. By the time you guys finish eating, those cars will probably be ready."

Everyone head off the restaurant for some plates of eggs, bacon, potatoes, sausage, pancakes, waffles, just about everything that was necessary to feed the small army that they were.

As they reached the restaurant, they all took their seats. Miss Pauling sat next to Scout. She was now more comfortable just being around him in general. Maybe it was because now they seemed to have a mutual understanding that it's all right to go a little bit crazy every once in a while, as long as it doesn't go too far, which she didn't think it did last night.

As they waited for their food, Engineer struck up another conversation. "So I was thinkin'. That wall of trees and bushes around that pool was a mighty fine idea. When I get around to building our own soakin' pools, we should have somethin' just like that, too."

"Da. Wall of bushes helps establish territory," Heavy agreed.

"And how 'bout I rig some of my old dispensers to make and pour drinks for us as we're soakin'?"

"Ach, ye wonnae hear any complaints from me!"

"Yeah, and how 'bout I build a grill next to it too, so we can have cookouts there?"

"Aw, yes!" The patriotic American shouted. "A nice, medium-rare steak with mashed potatoes is just what this Soldier needs in his stomach!"

"What about a pizza oven?" Scout added.

"Another great idea!" Engineer agreed.

The conversations continued even after the food arrived, and with their plans getting bigger and grander, everyone sitting around the table knew that some wild and crazy nights were not too far in their future.

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Author's notes:

*Should I write a story about this?

^If you're working in a restaurant, do not say this. You will get in trouble for it.

1See _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ for more information

2Ask me for more information on the glorious creation that is Blue Moon Belgian Ale

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 **Hello, again.**

 **So, to everyone here expecting the next chapter for my other story, I am so sorry for the delays. A lot has come up in my life since then. But, I am not done writing that story. In fact, I am working on the next chapter right now. I would like to reassure everyone that I am not done writing fanfiction, which, if you're reading this, is pretty obvious by now.**

 **I don't want to put much more into this story, so if anyone wants to speak with me about that or any other story, I would be perfectly willing to talk about it.**

 **I do not check up on this website's IM very often, so if you want to talk, I would prefer that you do so through Steam chat. My Steam profile there is simply Rockgod and my profile picture is the same there as it is here. I am also very active on Steam. I play Team Fortress 2 quite a bit, and several other games for that matter. If you wish to play or chat with me, just send me a friend request and I will be willing to talk with you about just about anything, provided that something else prevents me from doing it, like work.**

 **That's about it. Expect the next chapter for my other story soon and even a few new ones will also be coming soon!**


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